“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability and authenticity. If we want great clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path.” Brene Brown

I absolutely love this quote. It connects to something deep inside me and feeds that desire for more.

I would hazard a guess that the majority of us are rarely truly vulnerable. Whilst I would say I have a lot of close friends in my life and a close family I could probably count on one hand the people that I am actually truly open and real with, and I am a pretty open and real person, but the reality is that most of the time I am scared of being really real and honest and showing the true me because actually I am scared I will be rejected, or judged or be laughed at.

Then I flip that on its head and ask how easy do I make it for those in my life to be vulnerable with me. Am I willing to really engage with people’s mess and pain or is it just too uncomfortable and difficult? Do I fully engage with people’s hopes and dreams or do my jealousies, insecurities, and pride stop me doing so?

On Friday night I was at a party to celebrate a very special couple, my best friend, Anna, and her husband, Rich. In two weeks time they will no longer be living in Sheffield and will be settling into their new home in Edinburgh. Gulp! Last night was a goodbye party and if I am honest I was dreading it because I wasn’t quite sure I would be able to keep my emotions in check but actually it was a total celebration. As part of that celebration I had put together a book of photographs and messages from the people that had been part of their lives over the last decade or so and because I put it together I had the privilege of reading each of those messages.

Anna and Rich have been involved in church leadership for many years and so have been in the business of relationships and the messages in that book and the people there at that party and the prayers spoken time and time again spoke of gratitude for the way they had spoken into people’s lives, how they had been there in the worst of times, had celebrated with people in the best of times and called out of people again and again their callings, their dreams, their purposes, how they had challenged, inspired, encouraged. The overwhelming message that came across was that Anna and Rich had in so many lives pushed people forward and that people’s lives were so much richer because of them, changed because of them and in some cases that their impact on lives had caused people’s lives to go in a different direction. And all of it done with such humility, grace and love on their part.

As I have thought about Anna and Rich today and have been thinking about what I want to say to them before they go I knew that they are two people in my life that I can be truly vulnerable with and as the testimonies of Friday night spoke so powerfully I am clearly not the only one who has felt that way about them.

There have been so many times in the last 8 years, since losing John, where I have felt overwhelmed with sadness, scared and lacking in hope and each time I knew that Anna and Rich were my safe place, that they would not judge me or love me any less for showing my heart. So many times I have sat in their house and sobbed my heart out, or sent a text venting my confusion, hurt and anger, or shared my hopes and dreams. They have loved, challenged, stood in hope, prayed, spoken so many words of affirmation, encouragement and truth into me and over me, celebrated with me, mourned with me, laughed with me, cried with me and I can truly say that those two have been one of God’s greatest gifts to me – true, real and vulnerable friendship. As I have been able to be vulnerable with them, and they have allowed me to be vulnerable, there has been healing, there has been life breathed back into my broken heart, and hope birthed. Time and time again Rich has spoken words to me in response to me being vulnerable that have released stuff in me, words that years on I still stand on and which have been a gift straight from heaven. I know when my heart broke the night John died that Anna’s heart broke too – I have seen the tears in her eyes so many time because of my pain.

The depth of that friendship is in part due to many, many years of friendship going back over 25 years, so many memories and shared experiences, of growing up together, but it has been these last 8 years that I have felt it go deeper and stronger and again that has been one of those beauty from the ashes things but is also because of a willingness to be vulnerable. The more we let people in, the more we accept, the more vulnerable we are the more beauty that comes – I totally believe that – even though I find it hard to be vulnerable I know that those moments in my life where I have experienced the most joy, the most connection both relationally and spirituality are when I have allowed myself to be truly vulnerable and have felt safety in that place.

As I have thought about vulnerability I have thought about those in visible places, politicians, leaders and creatives, those who pour their heart and soul into their work – all these people put themselves on the line on a regular basis, put themselves out there at risk of being criticized, judged and very often publically slated. Often there is failure and those people I have no doubt feel incredibly vulnerable but they do it anyway because they believe passionately in what they do. But for all the failure there is beauty, transformation, truth, life, and power, for them personally but for their communities, the nation, strangers, because of their willingness to make themselves vulnerable. There is such strength in this type of vulnerability. 

I love The Rend Collective’s album, The Campfire, and the story behind that album – the call to be vulnerable, to tell our stories and sing our songs, how God calls his church to be open and vulnerable, to take down the walls of defence in the church and with each other, despite of our hurts, to see more authenticity. In the video that accompanies that album it talks about how in the kingdom of God there are no outsiders, that although the pain we experience in life can be overwhelming we aren’t meant to go through it alone, that Jesus longs for his church to be a place of warmth and safety, and a home and a refuge for the lost and broken but to do that we must learn the art of togetherness and celebration. The video ends by saying “To be on a journey as God’s family going through the highs and lows of life, suffering and laughing together that’s what I want, not some holy huddle, where we all pretend everything is ok but a real community which believes in the God of miracles but also in the God of the trials.”

I do not think it is possible or right to be vulnerable with everyone we come across in our lives, often that would not be helpful or appropriate but I think if we want to see change, want to see beauty, breakthrough and answers to our prayers, hopes and dreams then we have to make ourselves vulnerable. For me personally I need to learn to make myself more vulnerable before my God, so often my pride and my past stops me doing that, but I want more so I need to do it, and hand in hand with making myself more vulnerable to God I need to make myself more vulnerable with those I have been given to do this life but more than that I want to be someone that people feel safe to be vulnerable with, someone that will love people in their vulnerability, in order to see lives changed, and people set free.

The other day I read an article by the Archbishop of Canterbury’s daughter about her on-going battle with depression. It was a really honest, vulnerable and brave article.

Again it reminded me that lots of people carry their own struggles, battles and scars – often ones they aren’t willing or able to show to the world but I loved this girl’s bravery for speaking out about such a painful subject which affects so many people but which is often a taboo subject. I am lucky I have never suffered with it but I have walked with people I love who have. It’s relentless, it is misunderstood and frankly it is crappy as it sucks away people’s joy and ability to fully engage with life.

Likewise I have never faced infertility but I have stood by and watched as people I love dearly have- I have prayed feverently and passionately for so many babies as I have watched months pass by and friends’ hearts break a little more each time.

I do not know what it is like to live in an abusive and addictive situation, or to be desperate for money to feed my family, or to live through divorce or a broken relationship, or to love a sick or disabled child.

I do, however, know about loss and loneliness much more than I anticipated I ever would by this stage of my life, which many people do not understand.

All these things and so many more are massive disappointments in life – life was not meant to turn out like that, hopes and dreams have been shattered, and they hurt like hell. What I am about to say feels like a really depressing statement but life will include for all of us, at some point, or at various stages, some level of disappointment, in varying degrees, for some those disappointments will be more tragic and heart breaking than for others but disappointment will be part of all our stories. It is a truth that I think a lot of the time we do not want to face because we do not know how to handle it. I think we buy into the lie that life should always be great and fulfilling and beautiful and so when those disappointments come we feel like we have failed because our lives are not the glossy, happy, smiley, fun lives we should be living.

What I have been reflecting upon recently is how we deal with those disappointments and survive them. I wasn’t prepared for the enormity that was John’s death and becoming a single parent as quite honestly those sorts of things didn’t happen to people like me and as a result I well and truly lost the plot for a good few years.

I don’t have the answers as I reflect upon these things – I wish there was a formula for getting through so that life could get back to normal like it was before, in record speed. I remember a conversation I had with my grief buddy, Em (not sure how you will feel about such a title Em!) about how we both wished the grief process was a tick list which you could work through in a set period, a bit like preparing for an exam, to then be able to get back to normal happy people, whatever normal and happy now looked like. But guess what it was not so straightforward – it was messy and complicated and took a flipping long time! 8 years on and we would both say that that loss still massively affects our lives and who we are. We are probably radically different people to the ones that said those wedding vows all those years ago – the way we react, the choices we make, the way we relate to people I am guessing are all affected by the events of late 2006. We have both moved on so so much but it is still there – only last week I felt the grief consume me more than it has done in a long time because of something that happened.

I have come to accept that that loss and its disappointments will always be a part of me but I do not want them to define me. I don’t always want to be known as the girl whose husband died (and yes I have been introduced as that in a work context on more than one occasion!). Will I always feel the need to tell my story to strangers I meet to justify why I am on my own and why I am a single parent? Is there hope? Can life be ok again when it feels like it is so far from what it was meant to look like and if so how do you get there? Can there be complete healing? Can situations be transformed and redeemed and restored? My answer has to be a resounding YES and I don’t say that because I am there yet totally – as last week proved to me, as I sobbed and raged at God, (the positive being that it only lasted 24 hours as opposed to months) – but I have seen it in the lives of others, I have seen massive steps towards it in my own life, and I have hope in Jesus and his transforming and redeeming power.

I know that those disappointments change us – I often wonder whether John would recognise the person I am now and whether he would still love me. As one grief counsellor Em and I both saw told us it gives us extra corners others don’t have – how we hated those corners and would have been quite happy to have gone without them. I know in me it has birthed a massive compassion and a passionate desire to see people show love, kindness and sensitivity to others, especially for the broken and lonely. It has made heaven feel nearer. It has taught me so many lessons.

How do you get there? Well for each of us I guess it will be a different route, and for some it may take longer than for others. Again I don’t really have the answers as I feel like I am muddling through.

Will there be a day when it is all totally okay again – probably not because John will always have died at 28 not having met his child, I doubt there will be a day when I do not think about him – he will always be part of me but I can say absolutely that I know joy, fun, contentment, laughter, anticipation, hope, excitement –all the things I feared I may never feel again. The disappointment was all consuming for so long but it wasn’t the end of the story. I love that quote which says, “everything will be okay and if it is not okay it is not the end.”

I hope that my hurts will make me a better person, a kinder person, a stronger person, a person who walks more closely with my heavenly father. That more and more I can learn of God’s grace through the disappointments and see him working in my life and the lives of others.

What I loved most about Katharine Welby’s interview on her depression was that she concluded by saying that the trick to survival was finding those that were willing to jump into the darkness with you. I think that is just as true for any of the struggles and disappointments we face in life – I would literally not be standing without so many precious friends who time and time again jumped into the darkness with me – I know when I get to heaven it will be one of things I thank God most for – the amazing gift of incredible people who for some reason keep loving me. I hope and pray that through my disappointments and all that life has thrown at me it is teaching me to jump into the darkness alongside other people, however messy and broken that darkness is, to help them survive and come out the other side.

So I will continue to no doubt have my moments of disappointment that life doesn’t quite look like I hoped it would but I will keep holding tight to my father’s hand, trusting that the best is yet to come, and jumping feet first into those dark places, when people need me there, because for me that is where Jesus would be and where he calls me to be.

This writing lark feels much more vulnerable than it did to begin with and it is not because of the content but more to do with a fear that people will judge me, or wonder why I think I have anything worthwhile to say, or that I am full of nonsense. A very big part of me wants to stop but something (probably God) is compelling me to keep going and I am trying to take the attitude that even if what I am writing about is helpful to one person then it is worth doing, if my story can just give hope to someone else who is grieving or struggling then it does not really matter what anyone else thinks and maybe nobody thinks anything anyway and it is just my insecurities.

I am sure for many introverts the thought of putting their innermost feelings, hurts, hopes and dreams out there for anyone to see is their worst nightmare and they could not possibly grasp why anyone else would choose to do so. Well I am not an introvert I am definitely an extrovert and have no problem at all being open, honest, real and out there but I have had to learn a tough lesson that not everyone is like me. That may sound like a really obvious statement as we all know that we are all different, we see those differences all around us every minute of the day, we work with people that are fundamentally different from us, we marry people who are often our polar opposites and often families are made up of a total mish mash of different characters and personalities. We only have to look at the reaction to the recent election to see just how different we all are.

However for me in my grief that reality was one of the hardest things for me to cope with. When people were not grieving like I did it made it hurt all the more. When people did not want to talk about John and almost pretended he never existed I would want to scream at them (and sometimes did) and ask them did they not care, did it not hurt them too.

I would love to be one of those people that could at all times hold my feelings in and be dignified and well put together but I have tried and I can’t really go more than a few hours. I need to talk about feelings and emotions and relationships – it is the very core of who I am. I love people who are real, honest, raw and warm – when I find people who are like that I hold on tight because they make me feel alive and connected.

The problem being that I have a lot of people in my life, who I love totally and desperately, who are not like that, who would prefer not to talk about how they are feeling, a large part of my family are like that, I married a man like that and many of my closest friends are like that. And actually my experience is that that is ok when life is plodding along and things are good/normal, it makes life interesting, but when tragedy comes, when the “shit hits the fan” and when life flipping hurts those differences can become insurmountable and hard to navigate, leading to misunderstandings and broken relationships. In my previous job I saw this being worked out in families on a daily basis – most times you could see that the dispute was not about money but deeply held issues that went back years and because fundamentally family members were different and reacted and handled things differently.

When John died I needed to talk about him, needed to talk about how painful it was and how much I missed him. Grief is definitely one of the most complex emotions I have ever experienced – it is so much more complex than you could ever imagine unless you have been there. One minute you feel a total desperation and no hope, the next you feel numb and nothing and then you have moments where you may just be able to see a pin prick of light which allows hope to settle only for it all to be swept away again as the despair and desperation sets in and for the whole process to continue round and round in circles. I needed to talk about that process, to express everything I was feeling and so many people around me, people I felt should be hurting too, did not want to go anywhere near those conversations.

Very close family members and some of our closest friends didn’t want to go there and it hurt like hell. I remember one family member saying to me it was not a comfortable subject for people and I had to accept that and not make a fuss (that was one of those moments where I could have quite easily have become violent) – I would say to my parents over and over it was me that had had my life devastated so why could these people not step outside of their comfort zones to make it easier for me. Some friends left Sheffield shortly afterwards and said they just needed to put it all behind them, which hurt me immensely. Thankfully they are now back in Sheffield and those relationships are healed and good again and we talk about John often.

For me I could not understand if these people had cared about John as much as their relationships with him would have suggested then why were they not crying, why where they not talking about it, why couldn’t they express how they felt about it. It was such a hard thing for me to grasp, if you love someone and you lose them, then you express that, you let it out. I battled and battled because it felt like they did not care about John or me, that their lives had been totally unaffected and if I am being honest sometimes it still feels a bit like that. It also felt like they were judging me (maybe they were maybe they weren’t) for being so emotional about it, for being so broken and vulnerable.

It has been one of the hardest lessons for me but I have come to a place were I have learnt to accept that we are all different and just because a person doesn’t react or say things the way I would it doesn’t mean they do not care. I can now see clearly, now I am out the other side that they showed they cared in so many other ways. My ways are not the only ways, they are my ways and that is ok and people have to accept me for who I am and their ways are their ways and I have to accept them and actually as alien as it was for me to not express those feelings and emotions, it was totally alien to them to express them.

I know those people were deeply and profoundly affected by John’s death because every now and again a small comment will show just how it impacted them and continues to impact them.

When the tough times hit massive amounts of grace, patience and forgiveness are needed and I am thankful that people showed me all those and much more in abundance.

It has taught me to try and stop before I react and not blow up or judge but to think that most of the time a person’s reaction is not personal to me or my situation, sometimes it is to do with their character/their make up, or the things they have experienced in life which become part of their framework for dealing and responding to things and the same with my reactions. It has been a painful lesson in tolerance, in grace and in forgiveness. It has also made me realise that sometimes I cannot stream roller in with the feelings and the emotions, I have to think about what would help that particular person, what would make them feel most comfortable.

In my family I can see as the years have gone by that we have tried to find a middle ground, not always successfully, but I think we are getting there. Whilst some people may not be comfortable with the “john” subject they try to talk about him, and I try not to talk about him too much and somehow that middle, compromising ground feels like the best place.

I have also realised that actually those differences are to be celebrated and enjoyed- if everyone was like me it would be a flipping nightmare we would drown in emotions and tears! My family members are practical at getting on with things and so many times that has been my saving grace!!

Do you ever have those times where you keep hearing the same thing being said in totally different places, times and contexts? Usually for me that means that God is trying to tell me something.

A few weeks ago I was at a conference and the speaker was saying that at least four times a year she pushes herself outside of her comfort zones, which in and of itself did not really impact me, we all know we are supposed to push ourselves, to test out limits, try new things, but what she followed up by saying was that if we do not push ourselves, and step outside of our comfort zones, our worlds get smaller – for me that was something that had never occurred to me before, and maybe that is just me being dim, but it really challenged me and in some ways scared me.

Then this morning in church the talk was again on the importance of stepping out of our comfort zones and the “magic” that came come as a result, finishing off with this great quote:

“Sometimes all you need is 20 seconds of insane courage, just literally 20 seconds of embarrassing bravery and I promise you something great will come out of it.” (We bought a zoo- the film).

I confess that I would like an easy and comfortable life, where everything goes to plan, where everyone in my life is lovely all the time, with no parenting/family issues, where money is never a worry and where the sun always shines. I hate confrontation, stress, anxiety, conflict – I do not handle them well hence why 11 years as a litigator often pushed me to the edge of myself and my sanity. I like to feel comfortable, steady and safe – I am risk averse and like to know the outcome of my decisions.

Tied into the whole subject of comfort zones for me is that of my dreams/hopes/ambitions. When John died it felt like a big part of me died too, so many of my hopes and dreams were tied up with him and the future we thought we had together and even with those that weren’t directly linked to him he was no longer there to push me forward into them, to encourage me and to catch me when I fell. Then as time went on life got consumed with trying to survive as a lone parent, whilst holding down, at times, an insanely stressful job and dealing with the big “C” and all that came once the big “C” had had its way with my family. I was exhausted and spent – there was nothing left of me to dream and if I am being honest I don’t think I wanted to dream as my dreams had left me pretty heart broken.

I think certainly for me I became so full with other stuff there was no time to dream but not only that I was scared – what if I followed those dreams and I messed up? What if people thought I was stupid or did not agree? What sacrifices would I need to make to follow my dreams – financial sacrifices, relational sacrifices, time sacrifices?

What I did know was that the law, in the big law firm sense, was not my dream. I knew that it was not what I wanted to invest my life in especially as most of the time it left a bad taste. I have written about this previously but stepping out of that safe, secure career in some ways was a no brainer as it was making me poorly but in so many other ways was so very scary. I have gone backwards and forwards in my head so many times in the last few months questioning my decision, counting the financial costs, asking whether I have just committed career suicide. It was a costly and scary decision, which has taken me very far out of my comfort zones, but in the two weeks I have been in my new job I have been so blown away – I have known a welcome like nothing else, from such gorgeous people, such encouragement, such affirmation. I have been inspired, challenged and filled with an anticipation of things to come. I have felt like a massive weight has been lifted and like I am a different person. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I am beginning to dream dreams again, I feel excited and hopeful about the future.

And I say this not as some big up to myself because it had to get pretty horrible to get my attention and shake me into action, but rather, hopefully as an encouragement that when we step out and take risks things change and shift within us, and good things come. As I heard a wise person say recently there is blessing in the sacrifice and over the last few months that has certainly been my experience – the blessings have been too many to list but what I will say is that it set something in me that makes me want to dream bigger dreams, that makes me want to take more risks, to keep stepping out of my comfort zones. I do not want to settle for the easy route, for the comfortable and safe (although some of that would be great!), as whilst that would be the easy route it would also be pretty dull. I want to go on the adventure God has for me, holding his hand tightly, trusting that he will be my provider, that he will be the one who catches me when I fall. I want to see lives transformed, people healed up and set free, and cared for and loved. I want my world and the worlds of those I come into contact with to get bigger, more colourful, more full of life and love and I know that that is not going to happen unless I am willing to make changes and sacrifices and to be brave even if that does risk failure and embarrassment at times.

Let’s encourage each other in our dreams, to be brave and to take risks and as the quote from the film says I think we could see great things come.

A constant challenge for me is that of success, money, status and what part those things play in my life and how much they shape my decisions and the way I live my life, partly due to my family, my education and having spent the last 11 years working in the corporate world.

I think, in fact I know, God is doing a work in me in this area firstly by removing me from the said corporate world, into the charity sector, which has meant a pay cut and the loss of lots of nice benefits, coupled with some pride issues, and secondly then having to explain to the said family why I have made such a radical decision. I think this work may be long overdue but no doubt costly and painful certainly meaning less new clothes! I don’t doubt for a minute it is the right decision, and I am really excited about all the opportunities that lie ahead, but I would lying if I said there were not anxieties about the future that come with such a decision.

As that challenge has come I know God has been turning upside down my thought processes and attitudes. A few weeks ago a very precious lady, who had been part of our community as I was growing up, died. This lady had not had an easy start in life going through a series of foster homes and children’s houses. She also had learning difficulties. I was unable to go to her funeral as I was away but I read the order of service, which told of her life story, and as I read it I cried. I was blown away. Her story was one of obstacles and difficulties, of loss and disappointments, but yet she was the most giving and generous and amazing lady. She always had a smile and a hello and whilst she did not have very much money at all to each couple in our community who got married she would give them a tea towel and when babies were born socks or bibs – I know that many of you reading this will have been the recipient of a tea towel and socks/bibs. On my daughter Lucy’s birthday 1^st birthday I remember a card coming through the door with £5 in it – I remember at the time it made me weep but reading again of her generosity to so many has impacted me greatly.

Apparently at her funeral there were bus drivers from the routes she travelled on and shop keepers from the shops she frequented and the service was packed.

In the world’s eyes this lady would have not been much to shout about, she was not successful in worldly terms, she was not wealthy with a long list of successes but I have absolutely no doubt she will have a mansion in heaven.

I cannot stop thinking about her – there has been a lot of change in my life in the last few weeks, with lots of challenge, teaching and input but it is this lady’s life that I keep coming back to, that has challenged me the most. She had such a spirit of kindness, of generosity and of friendship – she had it right in contrast to how I often get it so wrong. She knew what was important – she gave and gave from the little she had. She showed kindness without limits.

I have been reminded time and time again in the last month (and I am sensing that there may have to be many more reminders as I wrestle with this one) that God’s heart is not for the things the world puts so much value on, that he does not rate us or judge us or love us conditional upon those values – thankfully he loves us unconditionally which is a good job as far as my life goes, that he loves a generous heart, a heart that pours out love, kindness and compassion – that those things are so much more important to him than job titles, pay packets, reputations and qualifications, which I have no doubt feature right down on his list. I have no doubt that when I get to heaven God will not be interested in how many degrees or qualifications I had or what my house was worth but that he will want to know what I did to love and help the poor and vulnerable, how I used the gifts and resources he has given me to bless others and for his kingdom.

I know that the lovely lady whose story has impacted me so much in the last few weeks will have been greeted with the words “well done good and faithful servant” when she finally got to meet Jesus. She lived her life so well and I for one have so much to learn from who she was and the way she lived her life.

If only we could fully grasp the importance of values such as generosity, kindness and compassion, and give them the weight that God longs them to have then I have no doubt we would see massive change in our communities and in the world. If we could flip over our priorities so our spiritualty and relationships came first and foremost way above our finances, our careers, our reputations and all the other stuff we are constantly told is so important what would it look like? I am not saying that those things are not important, whether we like it or not money is a necessity and can do so much good, and intellect and successes are gifts from God and we need people in influence and power to be advocates for change, but for me it is all about my attitude and the importance I give to these things both in terms of the way I live my life and the way I treat/judge others. Think it may be an ongoing work…………..

Right now I feel full to bursting with gratitude – I have just had the most amazing holiday, seeing a gorgeous part of the world and having precious time with family and friends. I have also started a new job which in the first two days has had me on the verge of tears on so many occasions because I have felt overwhelmed with people’s kindness, their welcome and their words of encouragement, as well as inspired and excited to be part of an amazing work – in two days there feels like there has already been some healing of the crap of the last 6 months that was the legal world. I am thankful to God for his perfect timing, for his amazing provision of an opportunity which feels so right and so life giving.

I feel blessed and life feels good and exciting and there is so much to be thankful for, overwhelming amounts, but it feels like this time has been a long time coming – 8 years to be exact. Since John died I have lost count of the number of people who have told me I am doing amazingly, which has meant a lot, but the truth is that there has been a really ugly side to my grieving, a side I am not proud of and fortunately a side which is now long finished. However, in those first few years I went through periods of real bitterness and of self-pity. I got good at putting a front up so most people would not see it but behind closed doors I would blow up at my family, at John’s family and at my closest friends, so most people never saw it, but those that did I think I probably put through hell. I would scream and swear at them and lash out saying things I knew would hurt them because I was hurting so much that I needed to hurt someone else. I am thankful that they were patient and gracious and are still there because I have no doubt there were times when they would have happily washed their hands of me. During those times I felt anything but thankful – I felt incredibly bitter – I felt like God had forgotten me, that I did not matter to him because if I had mattered he would have protected my little family. If I am being really honest I did not even feel grateful for the basics of life that we take for granted, the things that most of us can still be thankful for, even when we face struggles in life, for health, a roof over our heads, food on the table, family, friends – because all I wanted was to die too, I did not see that there was a happy life ahead for me without John and I just wanted to go and be with him.

For a year I could not step into a church because I was so angry with God, because I just couldn’t fathom why or how or what. Why did he not step in that night and save John? How did John die of some freak illness in his prime when actually it is pretty damn hard to die at the age of 28? What sort of “good” plan was that for any of our lives and what good could possibly come out of any of it?

As I have slowly but surely emerged from the pit of my grief I have learnt some pretty important lessons about the power of being thankful and of celebration even in the hardest of times and the power and release that comes as a result. I knew that I did not want to stay in that place of bitterness, even when I was right in the centre of it and even when at times it felt like the safest and easiest place to be, so slowly I started to be thankful for the things I did have, for the people who loved me and fought for me, for a good job, for a beautiful little girl, for a home and financial security, for my health and in that place of thankfulness started to come healing – it was not instant but it was deep and thorough. When the feelings of bitterness and self-pity came I would allow myself to stay there for a bit but then would pull myself up, focusing on all that there was to be thankful for, and as the months and years went by those times of bitterness and self pity became less and less to the point where they are thankfully no more.

One of the things that was hardest for me in the early years was watching people having babies, on two counts, the first being that I knew that they had gone into the hospital together, as a couple, and gone through the experience of having a child together, with all the joy that brings, and taking that baby home together, when my experience of my child coming into the world had been so incredibly lonely and so far from what it had started off as and secondly because I did not get the chance to have more babies. Early on I knew that I had to celebrate with my friends, I made a point of being the one to organise the meal rotas, and of visiting and standing with them in their excitement and joy. I cried my tears in private and in public celebrated. Often they knew and I knew they knew but it was so important for me to share in those times with them because I love them and want good things for them but because I knew my heart would get hard and ultimately it would only mean more pain for me.

I would be lying if I said those times of the family/couple/baby issue hurting were behind me but the place I am in is so far forward from where it was 5 years ago and even 1 year ago. I still have to put those masks on occasionally but there are only a few people that see those masks go up and generally I know more contentment with where I am that I have done in a very long time. I can genuinely say that if I never have any more children then that is ok, I have one beautiful and amazing child, I love my cousins’ kids desperately, as I will any nieces and nephews I may have, and my life is full of gorgeous children, who make me laugh, who give me cuddles and make life so much better.

I have learnt the important of saying thank you, and of celebrating with others, even when that is hard, it lifts our eyes and souls upwards, it stops us being self adsorbed and stuck, it releases us and it brings healing. It reminds us that it is all so much bigger than just us and our stuff and I truly believe that whilst it may take time having a heart of gratitude, a spirit of thankfulness and a desire to celebrate leads us out of the tough places as it changes our hearts and our attitudes.

Today I am not only thankful for where I am right now, for all the good things that I have but for the journey I have been on, for all the lessons learnt, for the relationships that have deepened, grown and started. I am thankful for a husband who loved me, believed in me and cherished me and a Dad who constantly had my back, who scarified so much for me and in his own way loved me unconditionally – I am thankful that they had a relationship with their heavenly father and are now safely with him in heaven. I am thankful for all they both taught me in their lives, by loving me, but also in their illness/deaths.

Most of all I am thankful to a faithful and loving God who has picked up the pieces of my shattered life and rebuilt me patiently – still some way to go though!!

Families are something we all have whether we like it or not! And those family ties are so incredibly strong in both good and bad ways – no-one can make us feel safer and more loved than our families but no-one can hurt us more. 

I am fascinated by families, I love family trees and history, photos and family likenesses. A few months ago a parcel arrived from Cyprus for my mum which had been sent by my grandpa’s neighbours. It was various papers and photos they had found in his house. I was in total heaven – in amongst that parcel was a detailed family tree going back 5 generations and transcripts of family letters dating back to the 1800s, the originals of which are safely tucked away. I came to one photo and I was totally blown away as it was a photo of my great grandfather (my grandfather’s father) from the early 1900s and it could have been my dad – the resemblance was so strong.

I love the idea of 2 people coming together to create a new family and each of those individual histories, lineages and genetics combining to create a new life. 

It is true what they say in that during our childhoods are families are everything and then during our teens and 20s we make steps out on our to then come back – that certainly feels the case for me! At one point my family were the last people I wanted to spend time with but certainly now the people I love being with the most. 

No family is perfect – ours is far far from it. Like most families there are plenty of characters, family arguments and history- there are broken relationships, geographical distances and long held hurts. I often wonder how I could possibly be related to half of my relatives and no doubt they feel the same about me. That being said though however much they may frustrate me or however different we may be they are the same flesh and blood and there is something very powerful in that. 

My sibling, my cousins, their spouses and their children are absolutely my favourite people. After spending time with my cousin’s little ones in Sydney I was overwhelmed at how much I fell in love with them. My mum is a legend who literally holds my world together and the absence of my dad leaves a big hole in my heart. I am blessed to have uncles and aunts who love me. So whilst my family is not what I hoped it would be, whilst I thought it may include a husband, more children with their Grandpa here to watch them grow, more and more I am realising how very blessed I am to be part of the family I am part of, with its warts and all.

I am though very much aware of the pain families can bring partly because at times I have experienced that pain myself but also because for the last 11 years I have worked day in day out with warring families, dealing with siblings that hate each other, parents and children who have been estranged for many years and step families where there is no love lost – I have literally been waist deep in dealing with the hatred, bitterness and sadness that comes with these broken relationships, for years, and it is incredibly sad and heart breaking. On nearly a daily basis my colleagues and I would voice out loud our wonder at how things could get that bad.

I know that families are not always easy to be part of and that sometimes other people make those family relationships all but impossible and I also know that for some the area of family is a deeply painful one. I am thankful that my earthly family aside I have a Heavenly Father and that where family relationships are tough he has those situations and is more than able to carry us in the midst of those pains, but also to turn those situations around. I know there can be healing, restoration and redemption when we let God do his work. 

Families need grace, forgiveness and a sense of humour but they are worth fighting for and investing in. And whilst I have said this before and I will no doubt say it again, because it is something I feel incredibly passionate about, for those of us that are lucky enough to have families we love we need to be sharing those families with people who are not so fortunate, to include people and welcome them into our families with open arms. 

In a few weeks time I am moving house temporarily which means I have spent the last month going through drawers and cupboards sorting through things. I am not a hoarder, I pride myself on my organisational skills and my neatness so in theory the job of sorting through the contents of my house should not be a particularly onerous or time consuming one but it has taken me hours and in those hours not a lot of progress has been made. The problem is that every few items I go through there is a letter, a card or a photograph I have not seen in years and it sets me off on a trip down memory lane and 95% of the times induces tears.

The other Saturday as I was going through boxes of photos and letters I was overwhelmed by the fact that each photo and letter represented a person, a friendship and a story and I sobbed – tears of sadness but also tears of joy and thankfulness.

Many of the photos I was looking at were from over ten years ago before the age of digital cameras and smartphones. I looked at the faces of people I loved and a strong sense of each of their journeys welled up in me – of all that had happened in their lives in the last ten years or so. I saw answered and unanswered prayers, successes, relationships, losses, opportunities seized, joys, disappointments,  babies, marriages, job triumphs and struggles as well so many memories.

Not only did the sorting of my stuff make me reflect back on each of those individual’s lives but on what part those individuals played in mine and how rich life is with all its experiences, dramas, highs, lows and even the mundane aspects of our every day. 

Then the other day I saw for the first time this CS Lewis quote “Isn’t it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back everything is different.”   That quote so resonated with me because most days are pretty normal, and you go about your work and your play with nothing being particularly out of the ordinary and then every now and again you have the chance to reflect and you realise in the ordinariness of the every day which often feels exactly that, ordinary, in amongst those ordinary moments there are moments of the extraordinary, which alongside life’s big events all combined together means life changes, we change and we are different people from the people we were ten years ago and the people we will be in ten years.

So as I reflected and remembered I was also full of thankfulness for all that God has done in the last ten years. I think often it is only as we look back at the past we get a clearer idea of what was happening and how God was working. As I look back I can see answered prayers and lives changed in ways that I could not see at the time those prayers were being prayed or those lives being changed. 

I love the idea, as cheesy as I accept it is, of our lives being like a tapestry with two sides, the beautiful picture on the front and then the underside, the mess of different threads, colours and patterns- the underside being the side we see as our lives in the here and now – the side that often feels messy and confusing. Then one day when our lives are at an end and we get to heaven we see the beautiful picture side and we gain an understanding of how what often felt messy and confusing was actually worked together to create a beautiful picture.

I totally believe that one day I will come face to face with my Heavenly Father and I will understand more of this life and have answers to the unanswered questions but I don’t want to wait until then to see how beautiful my life is. I want to get into the discipline of reflection – to be able to look back and see how God has and is working in the ordinary and the extraordinary, how he has answered prayers and transformed lives and not only so I can be thankful but so that I can be encouraged to keep on going. I believe that God has a plan for each of our lives and that he is a good God – it may not always feel like that when the tears come, when our hearts break and when things are tough but my testimony is that as I look back I can see that he has worked in amazing ways – that in the midst of the darkness the light has always come again!

“How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard” (A A Milne, Winnie the Pooh).

Change and goodbyes are hard – whether forced or chosen.

I feel like I have had to say goodbye to people I love too often and it doesn’t really get any easier.

When I saw this quote the other week straight away my mind went to a person who is so incredibly precious to me, to a friendship that started 24 years ago, a   friendship that means the world to me.

I cannot really think about my friend without the tears coming, because I am so grateful for her, so proud of who she is and the way she lives her life, and because she is such a big part of who I am. Other than my family there is no-one I love more.

Other than a few years living in different cities for university, and gaps years, we have always lived in the same city, and yes there have been periods where we have not been so involved in each other’s lives, but she has always been just down the road, she has always been near. However in a few months time she is going, she is moving cities and the likelihood is that we will never live in the same city again. I have not really let the enormity of that move sink in yet as I know when I do the tears may not stop and I am not quite ready for them yet.

That friendship started as 14 year olds in a tent in the Lake District and has grown through those teenage years, into our 20s and 30s – we have been each other’s bridesmaids, stood by the other as one lost a husband and the other a baby, we have laughed together, cried together, prayed together, eaten together, shared our hearts, our dreams, our worries and our struggles as well as our families. When she married I gained a friend in her husband – a man who has spoken so much wisdom, life and truth into my life, probably more than any other person ever has.

We had baby girls within months of each other, girls who could not be more different, one who is shy and sensitive, the other who is brave, confident and fearless but who are the best of friends.

My friend is beautiful inside and out, she is humble, kind, and gentle but at the same time strong, passionate and sold out to the things she believes in. She is not afraid to speak the truth and stand up for what she knows to be right. She is consistent and committed. She is real and honest. The way my friend and her husband do marriage and family constantly inspires me. They have made sacrifices for the other and supported and encouraged each other. They have taught me so so much.

Back in the autumn my friend text me to tell me she need to see me that evening, which in and of itself felt odd as it was slightly out of character, and once I had established with her I was not in trouble I knew. God had been preparing my heart for this conversation for the last few years, for the fact they were going to go one day. As I drove to her house I asked God to help me say goodbye well and to honour them in whatever was next for them.

I hate thinking that in a few months they will not be just round the corner, that I won’t be able to see them easily, without much planning, that we will no longer be part of each other’s lives on a day to day basis. To be quite honest it feels like it will be another grief because in the few moments I have let myself feel it the tears come and my heart aches. I am though so excited – I know there is so much in my friend to still come out, that God has awesome and amazing plans for her life, and that this move is a part of those plans coming to fruition. I am excited to watch from a distance as this new chapter of their lives unfolds.

Change is so important, to stop life becoming stale, for the new and better things to have room to come, to allow new people into our lives who may transform our lives in ways we could never imagine. But with change there is often the sadness of letting go of the old, the safe and the known. The excitement and the sadness sit side by side and that is ok.

So I release you my friend and your precious family, into all that God has for you all. I will always be standing right behind you, rooting for you, praying for you and loving you. I believe in you completely. Go in the knowledge that your time here has been marked with goodness, integrity and truth, that you have all blessed and impacted so many lives, and that you have finished well.

I love you x

The last four months have been tough.

God has literally picked me from the path I was heading down and placed me on a totally different and completely unexpected path. Although it was not as simple as that, as I don’t think in life it is ever is, it has been a period of feeling totally broken, scared, and incredibly anxious. Whilst it is has been horrible to go through I do believe it almost had to be this way for God to get my attention in order to show me that he had different things for me.

About 4 years ago I sat in a service where the leader of our church, Mick, said he had a word for someone there that God was going to ask them to let go of and step out of a career which had been hard won – my heart started racing and I knew it was a word for me, especially given that it was a service made up of predominantly students who had not even started their careers yet. Now at that point I was studying as part of my career progression and was happy in the thought that I would build a hopefully successful career in law, but that word never left me.

About a year later whilst cleaning the kitchen floor, on Christmas Eve, I felt again a real sense that God was asking me to step out of that career that I held so dearly, that gave me part of my worth and identity.

Slowly, gradually over the next few years I have prayed and thought about that word and those feelings and bit by bit I have become less and less satisfied with the work I was doing, increasingly questioning whether I wanted to invest my life in this work for the next 30 years.

Before Christmas some stuff happened at work, mostly out of my control, and I became consumed by anxiety – I could find no rest, no peace and no joy – I couldn’t sleep or eat. I had no choice but to cry out and ask God to help me, on an hourly basis, as at times it is was literally overwhelming. I knew that I need out of litigation and not because I couldn’t do it, because I had proved I could, but because it no longer gave me any peace and literally, without meaning to sound over dramatic, felt like it was sucking the life out of me.

So in ten days time I will be leaving the world of litigation and entering into the charity sector. Whilst the way it is has all come together feels like it is totally of God, and I am excited, that move does not come without its anxieties for me – am I leaving a potentially lucrative and secure career for a not so lucrative and secure one? Whereas before the future looked sure and certain now I have no clue what is ahead and I feel like I am stepping totally into the unknown and am having to hold tight to my father’s hand trusting that he will show me and he will provide for me. I have so many thoughts and feelings swirling round my head and my heart right now but I do know this is right and that this will be about so much more than a job and earning a living. I sense that this will also be about pursuing my dreams, about writing more, about finally being able to explore training as a bereavement counsellor and probably many more things I cannot even imagine right now.

What I have learnt through this time is that I am a worrier and that I need to work to let go of that worry – I need to replace worry with trust – to trust that God is my father, that he loves me totally and that there is nothing that he cannot turn around and sort out. That all I need to do is place my worries in his hand and trust him to work out the solutions in ways above and beyond my understanding and comprehension.

I am sure it is going to be a process as it is inherited, it is tied up in family expectations (so many times in the last week I have wondered what my Dad would say if he was here, whether he would agree with my decision- I guess however old you are you never stop needing your daddy’s reassurance), it is deeply rooted – I do not want to be a failure, I want to always do things well and be a success, I want people to think well of me – to like me and to love me, I want to have enough and then some, I want those I love to be safe and happy, I want this nation, this world not to be so screwed up and scary. So slowly I am learning to give the worries and the stresses over to the one who has the answers, to lean on hope and goodness, to keep trying to walk with faith and truth and to choose joy and life but also to accept that sometimes failure is part of the process and that those failures, if we let them, can teach us and humble us, to lead us to the successes.