Tonight my whole family are at a family party, including my child, no doubt doing lots of dancing and having lots of fun. I am sat at home, in my PJs and a hoodie.
Tonight for the first time in a good while I have talked to God properly, I have come before him and wept and poured my heart out to him again, and again.
I am not at that party because honestly, and I feel very vulnerable saying this, I couldn’t face it. In December I am going to become an aunt – it is amazing – it is answered prayers. I will love that baby so so much – so much so that its parents ought to be thankful I do not live nearer to them because I would be a complete pest. At the same time it has broken my heart again – I have cried a lot of tears. I looked at my sister-in-law’s belly today and my heart ached – it ached for all I lost and all my dreams that have not come true.
Over the last few months I have felt lonely because I felt I couldn’t really talk to anyone honestly about how I was feeling. I felt like people wouldn’t understand, that I wasn’t allowed to still feel pain over this so many years on. So weirdly and very unlike me I have run and run, partly because I am training for a 10k but to have a release. I have struggled to come before God because I have been battling feeling like he has forgotten me, that perhaps he didn’t care that much or didn’t have a plan for my future – that instead I would have to keep watching all those lives around me unfolding and growing and I would have to stand by and keep watching, feeling like my prayers and the cries of my heart were going unheard and unanswered. My lovely faithful mum said to me before she went out tonight, something she says pretty regularly to me, that nothing that happens in our lives is wasted and that God was not finished with me by a long way. She always ends that particular conversation with the words “just you wait.” Normally I swing between being thankful she has so much hope for me and frustrated at the length of the wait.
As I cried out to God tonight I asked him to show me again that he loved me, that I was precious to him, and that I wasn’t alone. I then read my devotional which today was about waiting and God’s timing. I love these devotionals written by an Australian couple. Today’s I am guessing is written by the wife because they were words that sounded so like many girls I know, so like me, and spoke straight to my heart. She talked about how she had spent so much of her time wishing things were different, longing for things she didn’t have, focusing on the past or the future and not living in the here and now but actually forgetting that right before each of us, in our hands, we have this day. That we cannot change what has been and what will happen going forward but that we can chose how we respond to today. God through this lovely lady’s writing reminded me that I am loved, I am chosen, I am set free, I am redeemed, I am covered by grace, and filled with hope. That today and every day I have the choice to choose joy, peace, patience, kindness, virtue, faith, gentleness.
Tonight again I had to lay down the things that I hold so tightly to, to the desires of my heart, to my longings, to my hopes, to my pain at what could have been, to my missing, and ask God to help me, as time and again I end up flat on my face acknowledging I cannot do it without him.
Last Saturday I did a skydive. It was totally amazing, that feeling of freedom and of flying – I absolutely loved it; in the knowledge I had a very competent and reassuring (and hot!) instructor. I have looked at the photos so many times over this last week – of being totally surrounded by nothing but the sky – it will definitely be one of those once in a lifetime experiences. Again tonight God has reminded me that he wants me to fly, that he wants me to live in freedom, that he doesn’t want my life to be held back by pain or loss or disappointment – that he has plans and purposes for me. I so often let myself be held back by those things, robbing my confidence, telling me I am no good, that I am not worthy.
The other week at work I was working away with my earphones in and one by one God was putting into my heart ideas for various things, projects (I promise boss I was still working at the same time!!) – I felt inspired and excited. Very quickly I could hear those voices saying they were ridiculous ideas that people would think I was stupid, that they wouldn’t come to anything. Alongside that was this battle of feeling forgotten and lonely. Tonight again I have resolved to myself and to God to run with those ideas, and yes they may not come to anything and I may look stupid in the process and make myself vulnerable but actually maybe just maybe they will bring life, and hope, and be actually what God is calling me to for the here and now. Maybe life is not what I would have hoped or imagined, maybe and probably there will never be another life that grows in my belly, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t other amazing things ahead, different but amazing. I don’t doubt that I will trip up many times along the way, that I will keep having my battles and my wobbles, but this day I want to chose joy, to chose kindness, to chose life and love, to chose to have hope and faith and to learn more and more to stand on those things when I feel the wobbles and battles come.
I know I am not alone in these struggles, I know each and every one of my close friends has their own battles, struggles, pains, disappointments, losses, and I am sure we are not on are own. So often these things can cripple, often not in obvious ways, and we are so good at hiding them but they are there stopping us stepping out into what we are meant to be and what is waiting for us. I feel passionate about standing together in community to see freedom in our lives and to see people fly into all they were made to be. Some of those seeds God has planted in me relate to that – I am convinced for most of us it is a journey, one we need to keep on at never giving up, always believing that the best is yet to come.