So Linz turned 40 yesterday! 40! It’s starting we are beginning to reach the middle years and you you so and so are eternally 28. I think in some perverse way there would be a big part of you that would take great delight in being the one who stays young whilst the rest of us get older, rounder, greyer and more wrinkled.
It was a brilliant party but you don’t need me to tell you that – it’s Linz you know that it would always be a big celebration. There are not many moments these days where I really miss you or really long for you, don’t get me wrong I miss you all the time, you are so much part of me and who I am, you are such an integral part of the framework of my thinking and my being – I am not very good at articulating it but you will always be in the very fabric of who I am but life has moved on, so much has changed, things are busy and so there are few moments when I am hit with a strong need for you – but last night was one of those times. Not in a sad way just in a way that you felt close. Last night I remembered again how much I liked you. I am not one of those people that senses the presence of lost loved ones but last night you felt so close.
You were in every song, I could just imagine you on that dance floor – Stone Roses, Oasis they were all there – but again you know that. These were your people and I was very definitely the odd one out in terms of music tastes. You were in the pictures all over the walls. But most importantly you were in our hearts. We remembered Linz’s 30th celebrations, I was pregnant and too sick to go and you had come in in the early hours, a little worse for wear and I had given you some earache and you asked me not to be cross because you had had such a brilliant night dancing with your best friends. One of my last memories. We talked about how you are always with us, how we think of you often, of how much we loved you, of how you were “our John”. Know how much Chris misses you – we just held each other for a long time last night no words were needed we just knew.
Last night was not only a celebration of a wonderful, beautiful, crazy girl turning 40 it was a celebration of friendship, of memories, of life – so there was laughter, so much dancing and singing and you should have been right there with us, I will always feel a bit cross about that but you were very much there in our hearts.
So this morning I am sat here with Stone Roses on full blast, pretty teary but thankful, thankful that we got to have the times we had with you, thankful for the memories, thankful that we all shared a love than means in some ways it will always hurt a little bit but which means that it was big enough to still miss. You were such a good one, Chris said to me last night that you were different, that you didn’t give a fig about money or status, you loved me and you loved other people and that was what guided you and that in that was someone so special. He was right.
Last night my heart needed to be reminded of the past, it needed to be reminded that you had loved me and of all the fun we had. So this morning is one of those mornings where I wish that heaven had visiting hours, and instead I am indulging myself in writing to you – I remember mum saying when she had stuff she really wanted to tell her Dad after he had gone she told God and asked him to tell him – so today I am asking God to tell you thank you, thank you for taking such good care of my heart, for loving it so well, and reminding me when my heart is feeling a little vulnerable and battered that you had thought it precious and always been so careful with it. Thank you too for all these years on still being able to make me smile, what I wouldn’t give for the chance to see you on that dance floor one last time.
Love you x